Miscellaneous Musings

A collection of sayings, some humorous, others adolescent, and a few containing a wisp of truth:

A chubby "systems" guy

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox." Woody Allen
"My parrot is smarter than my graduate student." Anonymous Professor [not original source]
"Lord make me chaste -- but not yet." Augustine of Hippo
"There, there it is again -- the invisible hand of the marketplace giving us the finger." Charles Barsotti
"I didn't lose a war and nobody died." Boris Becker
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." Alexander Graham Bell
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce
"No man can ever be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune." Anicius Boethius
"There is no Steve Jobs figure in American liberalism insisting that the designers keep government simple, elegant and user-friendly." David Brooks
"And cave divers wear a helmet to prevent any further brain damage." Pete Bucknell
"I have seen the builder of the house." Buddha
"Speak to the Sakyans, Ananda ... My back is aching and I need to stretch myself." Attributed to Buddha
"Only when the tide goes out do you see who's been swimming naked." Warren Buffett
"Forecasts usually tell us more of the forecaster than of the future." Warren Buffett
"The best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray." Robert Burns
"My philosophy is no pain, no pain." George Carlin
"Just as the presence of a thief prevents negligence with our possessions, so the reminder of the hindrances should prevent negligence in our concentration." Ajahn Chah
"Someone said that when a man is smitten with a beautiful woman, he should remember that somebody somewhere is tired of her." Steve Chapman
"Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media." Noam Chomsky
"The best lesson life has taught me is that the idiots in many cases are right." Winston Churchill
"I have seen the builder of the house but can't let go of the ocean view." Clinging Professor
"To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three, two of whom are absent." Robert Copeland
"Look, I only have one eye. Do you want me to keep it on the speedometer or on the road?" Moshe Dayan
"Bene qui latuit, bene vixit." Descartes
"He's an egghead who surrounds himself with eggheads, even when they have helped wreck the economy he's trying to save." Maureen Dowd
"From want to clinging, localized are mind states, fettered to bodily sensation and withered by entropy; face the thrower of the stick for suffering has reaction as its cause." Editorial Professor [a montage]
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
"What you have to do is you plug in an Ethernet cable with superglue, and then saw the little head off it." Jonathan Franzen
"Let your wounds be on your chests, not on your backs." Attributed to Mahatma Gandhi
"Monks, I know of no physical appearance that reduces a man's mind to slavery as does that of women." Siddharta Gautama
"The gut is not an organ from which you wish to receive frequent progress reports." Michael Gershon
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." Brendan Gill
"We do not have the power to choose the result, but we can choose our actions." S. N. Goenka [original source?]
"The truth of suffering must be explored to its end." Siddhata Gotama
"For me, and I think we saw this at the Masters, he looks like he's playing 'golf-swing' and not golf." Butch Harmon
"When an expectation is not met, the fault lies entirely with the expecter." Imprudent Professor
"If the flesh came into being because of spirit, that is a marvel, but if spirit came into being because of the body, that is a marvel of marvels." Attributed to Jesus
"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." Greg King [original source?]
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." Henry Kissinger
"Politicians are the same the world over. They all promise to build a bridge, even where there is no river." Nikita Khrushchev
"A bunch of decent players surrounding one great one." Sam Laird
"I never heard from Cousteau again, only of his fame." Yves Le Prieur
"We are, as has often been stated, all guinea pigs in a great big decompression experiment." Steve Lewis
"It offers a solution to a problem that we do not have." Machteld Ligtvoet
"I want Him to say, 'You see, Jim, you were wrong. I exist. But you may come in anyway.'" James Lipton
"Let go of this sense that you are at the center of the universe and that the world is something set up for you." Katherine MacLean
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandela
"The potato chip junkie eyes the bag of chips with newfound suspicion." Kelly McGonigal
"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." Mignon McLaughlin
"This is my forest." Meditating Professor
"Mike Tyson once said everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." Jim Messina
"Be like a lion, who, rather than chasing after the stick, turns to face the thrower." Milarepa
"One's destination is never a place, but rather a new way of looking at things." Henry Miller
"Cogito ergo cogito." Minimalist Professor
"So when a person's intellect overcomes his sensuality, he is better than the angels, but when his sensuality overcomes his intellect, he is worse than the beasts." Muhammad
"There is pleasure when a sore is scratched, but to be without sores is more pleasurable still. Just so, there are pleasures in worldly desires, but to be without desires is more pleasurable still." Nagarjuna
meditation v. wisdom

"There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about." John von Neumann
"One should never know too precisely whom one has married." Friedrich Nietzsche
"Tonight I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I know what to do but how do I make it interesting?" David Niven
"Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations." Attributed to George Orwell
"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." Wolfgang Pauli
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." Plato
"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope." Pope John XXIII
"Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red, put it in the album, hang it on the wall: George Bush is the next president of the United States." Dan Rather
"Democrats are weasels, Republicans can't count, and Independents are nuts. What's a normal person to do?" Rational Professor
"We're running around like idiots until we find a good woman who can tell us what to do." Rob Reiner
"You fight until hell freezes over. Then you fight on the ice." Richard Russell
"Science always triumphs over bull****." Dick Rutkowski
"Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat." Jean-Paul Sartre
"The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds, whereas the pessimist, it is said, fears this is true." Amartya Sen [original source?]
"Where is there enough leather to cover the surface of the earth? But just by having leather on the soles of one's feet is the same as covering the whole earth." Shantideva
"The main rule of marriage seems to be that you can't have sex with other women." Joel Stein
"My music is best understood by children and animals." Igor Stravinsky
"The sun will set without thy assistance." The Talmud
"If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won't go." Mark Twain
"I have a fever, the touch of your cool hand soothes me. Whilst it does not cure me, I yearn for it for when the fever returns." Unwell Professor
"Some theorists believe that sleep does nothing but keep us out of trouble for a few hours." Frank Vertosick
"We spent several decades not producing many civil engineers and producing a huge number of financial engineers. And the result is shitty bridges and a shitty financial system." Paul Volcker
"Doubt is not an agreeable condition, but certainty is an absurd one." Voltaire
"For instance, noses were made to support spectacles, hence we wear spectacles. So those who say that everything is well are speaking foolishly; they should say that everything is best." Voltaire
"Like Pascal, they were interested in people's quiet struggle with the apparent meaninglessness of life and the use of diversion to escape from boredom." Wikipedia
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." Wizard of Oz
"No farmer ever plowed a field by turning it over in his mind." George Woodbury
"Alternative energy is not a free ride, just a different ride." Ozzie Zehner
 For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway