A collection of sayings, some humorous, others adolescent,
and a few containing a wisp of truth:
A chubby "systems" guy
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love
or I had smallpox."
"My parrot is smarter than my graduate student."
Anonymous Professor [not original source]
"Lord make me chaste -- but not yet."
Augustine of Hippo
"There, there it is again -- the invisible hand of the marketplace
giving us the finger."
"I didn't lose a war and nobody died."
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long
and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones
which open for us."
Alexander Graham Bell
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"No man can ever be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune."
"There is no Steve Jobs figure in American liberalism insisting that
the designers keep government simple, elegant and user-friendly."
"And cave divers wear a helmet to prevent any further brain damage."
"I have seen the builder of the house."
"Speak to the Sakyans, Ananda ... My back is aching and I need to
Attributed to Buddha
"Only when the tide goes out do you see who's been swimming naked."
"Forecasts usually tell us more of the forecaster than of the future."
"The best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray."
"My philosophy is no pain, no pain."
"Just as the presence of a thief prevents negligence with our possessions,
so the reminder of the hindrances should prevent negligence in our
"Someone said that when a man is smitten with a beautiful woman,
he should remember that somebody somewhere is tired of her."
"The best lesson life has taught me is that the idiots in many cases
"I have seen the builder of the house but am taken by the ocean view."
"To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than
three, two of whom are absent."
"Look, I only have one eye. Do you want me to keep it on the
speedometer or on the road?"
"Bene qui latuit, bene vixit."
"He's an egghead who surrounds himself with eggheads,
even when they have helped wreck the economy he's trying to save."
"From want to clinging,
local are mind states,
fettered to bodily sensation,
withered by entropy;
face the thrower of the stick,
for suffering has reaction as its cause."
Editorial Professor [a montage]
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone
can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses,
you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you,
then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person,
wanders into your stupid life.... You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss
you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves
you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should
be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into
your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real
gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
"What you have to do is you plug in an Ethernet cable with superglue,
and then saw the little head off it."
"Let your wounds be on your chests, not on your backs."
Attributed to Mahatma Gandhi
"Monks, I know of no physical appearance that reduces a
man's mind to slavery as does that of women."
"The gut is not an organ from which you wish to receive frequent
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life
"We do not have the power to choose the result, but we can choose
S. N. Goenka [original source?]
"The truth of suffering must be explored to its end."
"For me, and I think we saw this at the Masters, he looks like he's
playing 'golf-swing' and not golf."
"When an expectation is not met, the fault lies entirely with the expecter."
"If the flesh came into being because of spirit, that is a marvel, but if
spirit came into being because of the body, that is a marvel of marvels."
Attributed to Jesus
"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their
level and beat you with experience."
Greg King [original source?]
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are
"Politicians are the same the world over. They all promise to build a
bridge, even where there is no river."
"A bunch of decent players surrounding one great one."
"I never heard from Cousteau again, only of his fame."
Yves Le Prieur
"We are, as has often been stated, all guinea pigs in a
great big decompression experiment."
"It offers a solution to a problem that we do not have."
"I want Him to say, 'You see, Jim, you were wrong. I exist.
But you may come in anyway.'"
"Let go of this sense that you are at the center of the universe and
that the world is something set up for you."
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill
"The potato chip junkie eyes the bag of chips with newfound suspicion."
"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything,
and two minus one equals nothing."
"This is my forest."
"Mike Tyson once said everyone has a plan until you punch them
in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore."
"Be like a lion, who, rather than chasing after the stick, turns to
face the thrower."
"One's destination is never a place, but rather a new way
of looking at things."
"Cogito ergo cogito."
"So when a person's intellect overcomes his sensuality, he is better
than the angels, but when his sensuality overcomes his intellect, he is
worse than the beasts."
"There is pleasure when a sore is scratched,
but to be without sores is more pleasurable still.
Just so, there are pleasures in worldly desires,
but to be without desires is more pleasurable still."
meditation v. wisdom
"There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're
John von Neumann
"One should never know too precisely whom one has married."
"Tonight I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's fifth husband. I know what to
do but how do I make it interesting?"
"'I inspect some of the work you do upon these engines and these
aeroplanes,' he said. 'God the All-Seeing and All-Knowing, He inspects
it all. You come to me and say, 'I have replaced this manifold and the
job is finished.' I come to look at it to see if there is any fault,
and I see everything in place. I look at the nuts, and I see the
locking wires correctly turned the right way to prevent the nuts
unscrewing, and that is all I can see. I cannot see if the nuts are
only finger tight. I cannot see if you have put a lever on the spanner
and strained them up so tight that the bolts are about to fail in
tension. These things are hidden from me, but nothing is hidden from
the All-Seeing, Eye of God.'"
"Government sometimes gets it wrong when it comes to rapidly changing
"The eagerness of our search for firewood turned us all into botanists."
"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong."
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber."
"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a
serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake
up completely and remember that I am the Pope."
Pope John XXIII
"Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red,
put it in the album, hang it on the wall: George Bush is the next
president of the United States."
"Democrats are weasels, Republicans can't count, and
Independents are nuts. What's a normal person to do?"
"We're running around like idiots until we find a good
woman who can tell us what to do."
"You fight until hell freezes over. Then you fight on the ice."
"Science always triumphs over bull****."
"Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat."
"The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, whereas the pessimist, it is said, fears this is true."
Amartya Sen [original source?]
"Where is there enough leather to cover the surface of the earth?
But just by having leather on the soles of one's feet is the
same as covering the whole earth."
"The main rule of marriage seems to be that you can't have sex
with other women."
"My music is best understood by children and animals."
"The sun will set without thy assistance."
"If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won't go."
"I have a fever, the touch of your cool hand soothes me.
Whilst it does not cure me, I yearn for it, for when the fever returns."
"Some theorists believe that sleep does nothing but keep us
out of trouble for a few hours."
"We spent several decades not producing many civil engineers and
producing a huge number of financial engineers. And the result is
shitty bridges and a shitty financial system."
"Doubt is not an agreeable condition, but certainty is an
"For instance, noses were made to support spectacles, hence
we wear spectacles. So those who say that everything is well
are speaking foolishly; they should say that everything is
"Like Pascal, they were interested in people's quiet struggle with
the apparent meaninglessness of life and the use of diversion to escape
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
Wizard of Oz
"No farmer ever plowed a field by turning it over in his mind."
"Alternative energy is not a free ride, just a different ride."